The Perfect Storm

As I'm sure no one has really noticed, I have been rather silent the past several weeks. When I started this blog, my intentions were to post at least once a week. Well, life had other plans.

The past several weeks have been extremely tough and exhausting. They have been weeks filled with loneliness, frustrations, and extreme anxiety, only to be compounded by the time of year. Although typically one of my favorite times of year, I have been nowhere near my usual Christmas Spirit-filled self. You see, prior to these past few weeks, I had been trying to make changes to try and get my life 'back on track.' I was trying to examine my goals and dreams in life and the steps needed to make them happen. I found it extremely difficult to put a finger on what exactly my dreams were and kept coming back to one main, reoccurring dream: to be a wife and mother. Cue the loneliness and desperation; the nights of crying myself to sleep. Cue the questioning and longing; the negative self talk. What is wrong with me? I can't even find lasting and intimate friendships, let alone anyone remotely interested in possibly dating me. I can't even take care of myself physically or financially, how could I ever think that I could possibly be responsible for someone else's life and well-being? And of course the why questions: Why is this happening to me? Why can't I meet people? Why am I so unlovable? Why can't I seem to get my life together? My mind and thoughts were out of control and I found myself in survival mode accompanied with complete and utter exhaustion; literally unable to get out of bed some days. My train had jumped the tracks and I was merely trying to figure out how to survive. Unfortunately, our bodies were never meant to maintain 'survival mode' and I started crashing, crashing into what felt like a giant ball of flames; a literal train wreck with no end in sight.

I had had enough and was ready to just give up. I fell apart and found myself in my pastor's office without words, just tears. I had been holding in these crippling feelings and emotions, hidden behind a smile or festive Christmas shirt, just trying to make it through each day. They finally erupted through a volcano of tears and sobs. What felt like hours later, the tears stopped. (probably just due to dehydration) I was reminded of one thing that had been completely lost in the full-on pity party going on inside my head: perspective. Feelings (although extremely real) lie, and I had bought into the lies my feelings had been playing on repeat in my mind.

So, here I sit, only a day later feeling maybe slightly better than I did 24 hours ago. If nothing else, I finally allowed myself the chance to share and get things "off my chest." Is my battle over? Definitely not. I have no idea where this battle will take me, but hopefully the worst is over.

I feel like I need to end this blog post with some insightful and encouraging words. I mean that's why I'm writing this, isn't it? But, honestly, I have nothing right now. I'm still caught in the storm and just trying to keep my eyes on Jesus and not the storm. Today, my eyes seem to be on Jesus, but I can't guarantee where they will be tomorrow, or even just in an hour from now. Am I writing all this for attention? Absolutely not! But, I guess part of me just hopes reading about some else's storm can be encouraging for all of us to keep fighting and keep our eyes on Jesus, the only source of truth in a sea of 'feelings.'

I'll just use this Facebook video as my insightful ending to what feels like a public self-pity party (hopefully it's not taken that way...):

https://www.facebook.com/watch/?v=10154983798156512

10 Things to remember when your loved one is suffering from depression:

1. Depression is NOT a choice: It leaves people paralyzed in their own mind and body

2. Avoid telling them cliche phrases like:

"You'll be fine"

"You just need to get out"

"You're thinking too much"

It creates more tension within, making them feel worse

3. Instead, say things like, "I'm here for you"

4. When they become distant, don't force them to open up and hang out: they isolate themselves because the guilt of being a burden to their loved ones is weighing them down

5. It is ok to get frustrated every now and then: figure out a way to support them without self-sacrificing

6. They get easily overwhelmed with the most menial things: they may seem totally fine one moment, then suddenly feel tired and have no energy at all. Constant exhaustion is a common side effect of living with this disorder

7. Keep in mind that it's not about you: they are going through a battle within their minds every single day

8. Try not to compare your experiences with theirs: depression is a mental disorder; it is different from having a bad day or being sad

9. Never play the "bad cop" role: negative enforcement won't work with people who are dealing with depression. You will only shrink them further because of the pressure

10. Try your best to see things from their perspective: imagine a life where you're constantly overpowered by your mind

People with depression are some of the strongest people you will ever meet. You just have to be there and remind them that they are strong.